It's been a month since that night, the night I admitted my feelings to somebody. You usually say that kind of things first to your mum, or your sister, or your best friend. Since my mum and my sister were away, my only choise was my best friend; Shannon.
I cried and sobbed but he just held me and tried to calm me down. I don't know why I reacted like this, but I wanted to get rid of this weight. He took me to my hotel room and we talked. I expected to listen some kind of shit, but what he said was unexpected. He just said that being in love is an amazing feeling and he also said that Jared is a good choise. He said that he's not gonna say the best things for him because he's his brother, but he tried to make me feel better. The thing is that he made me feel embarassed, having a conversation like this was really awkward. And then, I just fell asleep while crying.
The next days I tried to avoid Jared. That was easy, since I had nothing to do with him. But life on a tour bus is very 'closing' and I always stumbled in him. The only words we exchanged was a 'hi' or 'good morning' and 'goodnight'. I was fine with this, but every day I felt more frustrated because my love for him was increasing. Thank god I had work on the tour and my mind was distracted.
And as days go by, Christmas came very soon. My Christmas break lasted only four days, which I spent with my family. It was tiring to travel from NYC to UK and back, but I wanted to be with my family.
In the 26th of December was Jared's birthday. I didn't call him or something, I just Skyped with Shannon and told him to give him my wishes. But when I was ready to disconnect, Jared popped up in the screen to wish me Merry Christmas and that was the time we had a proper talk after a month or so. After that call, I started to cry without reason and fell asleep.
One thing I can't understand is why did they fix concerts for the last days of the year. There is a concert even for New Year's Eve. And I have to be there. Not that I mind at all, but it was weird, my first changing of the year away from my home and my family.
~~~
I get out of the bathroom of my hotel room, the view out of the window a little bit darker than earlier because of the clouds in the sky, the lights of Las Vegas starting to dance. I wrap my towel tighter around my body and walk to the window to admire the view. When I walk past the bed, I turn to look at the sleeping body there. Poor Tim, sometimes I really feel like taking advantage of him because I want to forget about the whole Jared-thing. But he gives me what I want and I do the same. It's not something emotional. Even if we tried, we always ended up in bed with no feelings between us. The sex was enough.
I'm so lost in my thoughts that I gasp when a hand wraps me by the waist and turns me around. Tim is looking at me with a smile on his face, making me smile too. I look him up and down and notice that he's still naked.
"You're naked, you'll freeze."
"Look who's talking, you're all wet with just a towel wrapped around you."
I chuckle and punch him playfully on the arm just to be pulled to him and kissed on the lips. When he releases me I go to the other and of the room, grabbing his clothes and throwing them to him.
"Dress up, you have soundcheck in half an hour."
"What the fuck? Did I sleep that much?"
"No. You just fucked that much."
I hear a laugh behind my back and turn to look at him with his underwear dangling from my finger.
"At least it was good."
"Indeed. But now go take a shower and then go straight to the venue."
"As you wish boss!"
I throw him his underwear and walk to my suitcase to pick up my outfit and my underwear. We both dress up in silence and when Tim is finished he comes and hugs me from behind, whispering in my ear.
"Will we celebrate the New Year after the show tonight?"
I smile at his words.
"Depends. If I get rid of my work early, we will probably do something about that."
He turns me around and kisses me, then he leaves the room smiling at me. When the door is closed behind him, I fall on the bed, my palms hiding my face. Who am I kidding? I know he wants something more but tries to keep it back. I also want something more, but not with him. Tim is just my friend, I never even imagined my self having a relationship like this with him. It's just complicated. Very complicated.
A knock on the door makes me jolt and I stand up from the bed, walking to the door. When I open the door, a cheery Shannon enters the room, holding a fake crown in his hands. I close the door and turn to look at him, his smile growing bigger when I keep looking at the crown.
"What's that?"
"Something for the princess. You deserve it."
He comes closer to me and puts the crown on my head, then steps back and smiles again.
"Now you're ready."
I start laughing with him.
"You came here all happy and woo because of this?" pointing at the crown in my head.
"I love Tim, but my stupid little brother really has to do something tonight with you, it's a good chance."
"Shannon, I-"
"You have a chance of kissing him in the change of the year! If you get on stage for 'Kings & Queens' and be close to him-"
"NO WAY! I can't do this."
He comes closer and pulls me in a hug.
"Baby girl, don't be always negative. You may stand lucky."
"Really? With these Porcelain-naked-twins and that Natalie girl around him? Don't tell me I say shit, I know they're joining the show tonight."
"Who gives a fuck about them?"
"Jared probably! Especially for Natalie, I'm 100% sure he fucked her already."
"Now you really say shit."
"Shan-"
"She may be beautiful and sexy and stuff but I'm sure Jay did nothing with her. I know my brother."
"But he was with her in his room once. ALONE!"
"How do you know?"
"I saw him at his door holding a whip. And I sent her there some minutes before."
"He may wanted to show it to her, just to know what was waiting for her."
I look him in the eye and raise a brow.
"These things can be tried only if your naked. But anyway, I'm not gonna talk about Jared all day."
"That's it! And about tonight, if it makes you feel better, the gig is going to be finished before the new year comes. And nobody is allowed backstage after the show."
I pull away from his arms and walk to the bed to grab my bag. Then, I turn to look at him and force a little smile.
"Not that I feel a lot better now, but ok, thanks for the information. Now move your ass, we have to go."
We are ready to leave the room when I remember the crown on my head. I reach to take it of, but Shannon grabs my hand and tells me to keep it on, as I do. Who cares? Everybody is in a crazy mood these days. We then leave the room without more words and go downstairs to leave for the venue.
All the way there I can't stop the thoughts I have about everything. Shannon's words still echo in my mind 'you have a chance of kissing him in the change of the year'. I know that there's no chance for me, but I also have a little hope. Only god knows what is to happen.
~~~
It's already 6 p.m. and I have to get ready for tonight's show. Then, I'm still sitting on the bed of the hotel room and look outside the window, the dark sky illuminated by the city lights. I don't even know what to wear, even if I already know that I have to 'shine', as Shannon mentioned. A knock on the door interrupts my thoughts again and I go to answer the door. I open the door to find a smiling Tomo looking at me, backpack with him. I let him enter the room and when the door is closed I turn to look at him, his smile now a straight line. He drops his backpack down and walks to me.
"You're gonna join the gig in this?" and he points up and down my body.
"Probably. I have nothing- HEY! Where are you going?" I ask when Tomo brusts to my suitcase and starts to throw out every piece of cloth I have inside. I just stand there and look at him in shock, trying to understand what he's doing. After a minute he stands up, holding my black mini dress and my black high heels. My eyes grow wide when I see them.
"You're kidding, aren't you?"
"Nope! You have to shine! It's NYE for god's sake! Try to look like a star!"
"Do I have to? I'm not going to a concert in this! It's too much."
"Look, everybody's going to wear something 'nice' today because it's a celebration, so why not?"
I feel my cheeks flush when I'm ready to answer.
"I... I feel like a slut in this dress."
Tomo drops the dress and my heels on the bed and comes closer to me.
"Then be. Only for one night. And if you feel like that, why you carry this dress with you?"
"I like it."
"Then show it. I bet you look gorgeous in this dress. Just do it, don't feel embarrased. It's only for a couple of hours, you're not the first to wear something like this."
I smile at his words and wrap my arms around him, hugging him briefly.
"Don't tell these things to Vicki, she's gonna kill you." I say and poke my tounge.
He laughs at my comment and pulls back.
"I'm not that stupid. Now get your ass and dress up, you have to look like a star."
I smile to him as he walks to the door and then leaves. Now I'm alone, with my dress and my heels. I have an hour to get ready and leave. I grab the dress in my hands and look at it. I hesitate for a minute, but then I put it down and start to put my other clothes in my suitcase.
"Why not?"
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