I slowly open my eyes, the sun beaming through the window. I was so tired, physically and emotionally that I didn't even bother to close the curtains. The weather seems to be awfully good. I sit up on the bed and stretch, the exhaustion from yesterday night still there. At least I managed to sleep a little, my kissing with Jared lingering in my mind.
When we left the venue I was like a stone; cold and not talking at all. In the ride to the hotel Tim managed to get max ten words from me. Poor Tim, he doesn't deserve my stance. He was happy last night. I was happy too, but for different reason.
Even if I was in a completely different world, the result was the same. Me and Tim in bed, naked. On the whole process I was thinking of Jared, but I wanted to release the tension like crazy. And now I feel like a real slut, using a man who is absolutely innocent to forget the devil.
I turn to my right and nudge Tim with my leg.
"Wake up sleepyhead, we are leaving in a couple of hours."
A grunt comes from his side as he lies on his back. I stand up from the bed and head to the bathroom, grabbing some underwear on the way.
After a good hot shower and packing my stuff, we head to the lobby of the hotel for the usual check. I sit on one of the couches and sigh. Next, Shannon comes and sits next to me.
"Exhausting night, wasn't it?"
"You think so eh?"
"Hmm maybe."
I turn to look at him and he has that smug grin on his face. I only manage to burst out laughing.
"Somebody got laid last night, right?"
"Peep! You win!"
"Finally! I was tired of seeing you so miserable."
He cocks a brow and looks at me.
"So you mean I'm boring? Thank you Emma."
"You're welcome, my dear! But I just meant that you are more cheerful when you have sex."
"I can't say that same goes to you."
I turn my head down and frown, his words bad but true at the same time. I can't enjoy something that can get you high when you think about somebody else than the one above you.
Shannon senses my tension and wraps me in a mini hug.
"Is there something that bothers you baby girl?"
"Can we have this talk another time?"
His hands are loosening around me and he grabs my face with one hand, turning it so I look at him.
"Ok, but keep a note. You try to push everybody away from you lately. Stop it. I know you need to talk about something but you choose to keep it for yourself."
Long pause.
"Does it have to do with Jared?"
"I said something. Let's have this talk later. It's not the right time."
~~~
After hours of wandering around Las Vegas, two hours of the trip and half the road to Los Angeles done, the bus finally comes to a halt. When everybody is outside I decide to get out of the bus, even if I prefer to stay in and take a nap.
When I step out, the cold air hits my face and I can finally breath. All day I felt like I was drowning in the sea, like somebody was pushing me under the ground. I tried to avoid Jared all day but surely failed. Whenever I saw him close to me he seemed tense and his words were counted. I was acting just the same. Everything felt strange.
As time goes by the air gets colder and I feel my whole body freezing. I turn to go get my gloves and scarf but I'm stopped when Jared stumbles into me while getting out of the bus. I can't do something else than look down at my legs and after a little pause turn to leave. When I do my first step to get inside, I feel a hand grabbing my arm and next I'm dragged behind the bus. When nobody can see us, I finally look up to Jared.
"You hurt me."
I mutter through gritted teeth. I can feel my whole body getting hot because of my frustration that threats to turn into anger.
"I need to talk to you."
"What if I don't want to listen?"
"You HAVE to." his eyes shooting fires to my direction.
I feel the grip he has on my hand loosening and I try to relax a little. The air is so thick between us as we keep our mouths shut. I run my hand through my hair and look in his eyes.
"So, what's bothering you?"
He lifts his gaze from the ground so he can look into my eyes. Even if it's dark around us, I can see that his eyes are crystal blue and he's looking at me like he feels sorry for something.
"I'm sorry, you know, about yesterday night. I shouldn't-"
"Wait..." I press my hand on his shoulder "... I thought that WE kissed, not only you."
"You don't get me."
"I do. I know, you feel sorry but-"
"I DO! I really do! Because you're with Tim and something seems to develop between the two of you and I acted like a selfish stupid man and-"
"Hey hey hey!" now both my hands on his shoulders. I flash a little smile to him. "First of all, that thing with Tim has boundaries. And even if it's personal and it shouldn't be anyone's business there's nothing emotional between me and him."
"But-"
"Please let me finish."
Long pause.
"You think I'm in love with him. Don't deny it, that's why you say you're sorry, I can see it."
I stop and swallow but the lump in my throat is still there.
"I don't feel anything. You listen? A-ny-thing. I only know that everything happens for a reason. So there's nothing to feel sorry about. Everything happens for a reason, there's nothing to regret."
"Who says that I regret it?"
I close my mouth firmly and hold my answer back. I just want him to go on. This talk is getting interesting.
"Ok, I surely thought that you have feelings for Tim, I still do, but I don't regret my actions."
Long pause again.
"I don't know why-" he rolls his eyes and tries to avoid my stare but in the end he looks in my eyes again. "-but that kiss-"
I can see his Adam's apple bob as he swallows and my cheeks are burning now "-that kiss with you... It felt right. I mean, I wanted to kiss you. Let me rephrase that, I NEEDED to kiss you."
I can feel my eyelids getting heavy and my heart beating harder than before. I try to pull my hands to myself but he grabs them in his hands. His eyes are looking straight into mine, now making my heart melt. He takes on step closer to me and instinctively a take one back. He tears his eyes from mie and sighs, trying again to come closer to me, still holding my hands firmly. I try to avoid the closeness and take steps back until my back hits the bus and I'm trapped between it and Jared.
He lifts his eyes from the ground and now I can feel his chest touching mine. My heart beats so hard and fast that I think he can hear it. His stare is very intense that I can't tear my eyes from his. That until he leaves one of my hands to hold my cheek, running his thumb along my jawline.
"Like I said..." his voice lower than before, "I needed to kiss you. Like I do now."
He keeps staring at me, like he's waiting for some kind of answer. All I can do is nod and stay still.
His face inches closer to mine and his eyes leave mine, focusing on my lips. I open the slightly and try to calm down. My heart is ready to jump out from my chest and the beating fills my ears. Even if it's cold outside, his hot breath against my mouth makes me feel warmer. His moves are very slow for me, but I'm waiting, not that I can move at all. Seconds later that felt like an eternity, his lips touch mine softly. So softly that it makes my heart flutter. I take my free hand and put it around his neck, pulling him closer so his mouth presses harder on mine. He starts moving his lips against mine and I sight silently, doing the same. His lips close aroung my bottom lip and suck as he runs the tip of his tonuge along it. I feel the hand that holds my hand loosen and a second later being wrapped around my waist. Now I wrap both my arms around his neck as we keep kissing, more passionately. Our tongues touch each other's softly as our lips keep moving.
I'm so lost in the kiss that I forget to breath and I feel lightheaded. But I like it, the pressure, the taste, everything sends me to the stars.
I feel Jared's lips leaving mine and I groan, keeping my eyes shut. Both his hands are holding my cheeks now, making me feel even warmer.
"Look at me"
He almost whispers. I open my eyes slowly, looking at him. His eyes are so bright that it will make me cry.
"Remember that this wasn't the New Years kind of kiss."
I close my mouth and crook a little smile.
"I'm sorry for my agressiveness before, I didn't mean to hurt you."
He says and strokes both my cheeks.
"It's okay, it's not your fault."
We both pause and keep looking into each other's eyes. I decide to break the silence.
"About that kiss... If it's not the New Year's one, can I get one more?"
I say and make puppy eyes to him.
He smiles, his smile wide and wraps his arms around me, inching closer. We kiss each other for once, twice, so many times that I loose the count.
This time everything is under different circumstances. It's definately different from the first time, but now I also have a little hope. Jared saying that he does what he does because he wants it makes me have a hope. Not that it's going to develop to something, but for now I want to feel everything, even if it will hurt me sometime.
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