Chapter 9: I need you in my life.

I slowly open my eyes, the sun beaming through the window. I was so tired, physically and emotionally that I didn't even bother to close the curtains. The weather seems to be awfully good. I sit up on the bed and stretch, the exhaustion from yesterday night still there. At least I managed to sleep a little, my kissing with Jared lingering in my mind.

When we left the venue I was like a stone; cold and not talking at all. In the ride to the hotel Tim managed to get max ten words from me. Poor Tim, he doesn't deserve my stance. He was happy last night. I was happy too, but for different reason.
Even if I was in a completely different world, the result was the same. Me and Tim in bed, naked. On the whole process I was thinking of Jared, but I wanted to release the tension like crazy. And now I feel like a real slut, using a man who is absolutely innocent to forget the devil.

I turn to my right and nudge Tim with my leg.

"Wake up sleepyhead, we are leaving in a couple of hours."

A grunt comes from his side as he lies on his back. I stand up from the bed and head to the bathroom, grabbing some underwear on the way.
After a good hot shower and packing my stuff, we head to the lobby of the hotel for the usual check. I sit on one of the couches and sigh. Next, Shannon comes and sits next to me.

"Exhausting night, wasn't it?"

"You think so eh?"

"Hmm maybe."

I turn to look at him and he has that smug grin on his face. I only manage to burst out laughing.

"Somebody got laid last night, right?"

"Peep! You win!"

"Finally! I was tired of seeing you so miserable."

He cocks a brow and looks at me.

"So you mean I'm boring? Thank you Emma."

"You're welcome, my dear! But I just meant that you are more cheerful when you have sex."

"I can't say that same goes to you."

I turn my head down and frown, his words bad but true at the same time. I can't enjoy something that can get you high when you think about somebody else than the one above you.
Shannon senses my tension and wraps me in a mini hug.

"Is there something that bothers you baby girl?"

"Can we have this talk another time?"

His hands are loosening around me and he grabs my face with one hand, turning it so I look at him.

"Ok, but keep a note. You try to push everybody away from you lately. Stop it. I know you need to talk about something but you choose to keep it for yourself."

Long pause.

"Does it have to do with Jared?"

"I said something. Let's have this talk later. It's not the right time."

~~~

After hours of wandering around Las Vegas, two hours of the trip and half the road to Los Angeles done, the bus finally comes to a halt. When everybody is outside I decide to get out of the bus, even if I prefer to stay in and take a nap.
When I step out, the cold air hits my face and I can finally breath. All day I felt like I was drowning in the sea, like somebody was pushing me under the ground. I tried to avoid Jared all day but surely failed. Whenever I saw him close to me he seemed tense and his words were counted. I was acting just the same. Everything felt strange.

As time goes by the air gets colder and I feel my whole body freezing. I turn to go get my gloves and scarf but I'm stopped when Jared stumbles into me while getting out of the bus. I can't do something else than look down at my legs and after a little pause turn to leave. When I do my first step to get inside, I feel a hand grabbing my arm and next I'm dragged behind the bus. When nobody can see us, I finally look up to Jared.

"You hurt me."
I mutter through gritted teeth. I can feel my whole body getting hot because of my frustration that threats to turn into anger.

"I need to talk to you."

"What if I don't want to listen?"

"You HAVE to." his eyes shooting fires to my direction.

I feel the grip he has on my hand loosening and I try to relax a little. The air is so thick between us as we keep our mouths shut. I run my hand through my hair and look in his eyes.

"So, what's bothering you?"

He lifts his gaze from the ground so he can look into my eyes. Even if it's dark around us, I can see that his eyes are crystal blue and he's looking at me like he feels sorry for something.

"I'm sorry, you know, about yesterday night. I shouldn't-"

"Wait..." I press my hand on his shoulder "... I thought that WE kissed, not only you."

"You don't get me."

"I do. I know, you feel sorry but-"

"I DO! I really do! Because you're with Tim and something seems to develop between the two of you and I acted like a selfish stupid man and-"

"Hey hey hey!" now both my hands on his shoulders. I flash a little smile to him. "First of all, that thing with Tim has boundaries. And even if it's personal and it shouldn't be anyone's business there's nothing emotional between me and him."

"But-"

"Please let me finish."

Long pause.

"You think I'm in love with him. Don't deny it, that's why you say you're sorry, I can see it."

I stop and swallow but the lump in my throat is still there.

"I don't feel anything. You listen? A-ny-thing. I only know that everything happens for a reason. So there's nothing to feel sorry about. Everything happens for a reason, there's nothing to regret."

"Who says that I regret it?"

I close my mouth firmly and hold my answer back. I just want him to go on. This talk is getting interesting.

"Ok, I surely thought that you have feelings for Tim, I still do, but I don't regret my actions."

Long pause again.

"I don't know why-" he rolls his eyes and tries to avoid my stare but in the end he looks in my eyes again. "-but that kiss-"

I can see his Adam's apple bob as he swallows and my cheeks are burning now "-that kiss with you... It felt right. I mean, I wanted to kiss you. Let me rephrase that, I NEEDED to kiss you."

I can feel my eyelids getting heavy and my heart beating harder than before. I try to pull my hands to myself but he grabs them in his hands. His eyes are looking straight into mine, now making my heart melt. He takes on step closer to me and instinctively a take one back. He tears his eyes from mie and sighs, trying again to come closer to me, still holding my hands firmly. I try to avoid the closeness and take steps back until my back hits the bus and I'm trapped between it and Jared.
He lifts his eyes from the ground and now I can feel his chest touching mine. My heart beats so hard and fast that I think he can hear it. His stare is very intense that I can't tear my eyes from his. That until he leaves one of my hands to hold my cheek, running his thumb along my jawline.

"Like I said..." his voice lower than before, "I needed to kiss you. Like I do now."

He keeps staring at me, like he's waiting for some kind of answer. All I can do is nod and stay still.
His face inches closer to mine and his eyes leave mine, focusing on my lips. I open the slightly and try to calm down. My heart is ready to jump out from my chest and the beating fills my ears. Even if it's cold outside, his hot breath against my mouth makes me feel warmer. His moves are very slow for me, but I'm waiting, not that I can move at all. Seconds later that felt like an eternity, his lips touch mine softly. So softly that it makes my heart flutter. I take my free hand and put it around his neck, pulling him closer so his mouth presses harder on mine. He starts moving his lips against mine and I sight silently, doing the same. His lips close aroung my bottom lip and suck as he runs the tip of his tonuge along it. I feel the hand that holds my hand loosen and a second later being wrapped around my waist. Now I wrap both my arms around his neck as we keep kissing, more passionately. Our tongues touch each other's softly as our lips keep moving.
I'm so lost in the kiss that I forget to breath and I feel lightheaded. But I like it, the pressure, the taste, everything sends me to the stars.

I feel Jared's lips leaving mine and I groan, keeping my eyes shut. Both his hands are holding my cheeks now, making me feel even warmer.

"Look at me"
He almost whispers. I open my eyes slowly, looking at him. His eyes are so bright that it will make me cry.

"Remember that this wasn't the New Years kind of kiss."

I close my mouth and crook a little smile.

"I'm sorry for my agressiveness before, I didn't mean to hurt you."
He says and strokes both my cheeks.

"It's okay, it's not your fault."

We both pause and keep looking into each other's eyes. I decide to break the silence.

"About that kiss... If it's not the New Year's one, can I get one more?"
I say and make puppy eyes to him.

He smiles, his smile wide and wraps his arms around me, inching closer. We kiss each other for once, twice, so many times that I loose the count.
This time everything is under different circumstances. It's definately different from the first time, but now I also have a little hope. Jared saying that he does what he does because he wants it makes me have a hope. Not that it's going to develop to something, but for now I want to feel everything, even if it will hurt me sometime.

Chapter 8: Happy New Year

(Part 2)


The past one hour passed into oblivion, the music doing her best to distract me from everything I was thinking before. It's in the second encore that I start getting nervous. Not that I wasn't nervous before. In 'Hurricane', that naked-twins were on stage and showed all their tricks to the audience, including Jared's help. When their hands roamed over his body my jealousy level reached it's limits and I was ready to scream. Thanks to the yoga lessons I took three years ago and helped me to control myself. But in this one my nerves reached every limit. I was sure that Natalie was going to be on stage for 'Kings & Queens' but I didn't expect her to be so close to Jared. I still can see her, even if there are lots of people on stage right now.

As the first notes of the song start to echo, I try to concentrate on the music and I just sink on my seat. Emma had already went to the other side of the stage to fix some things with the security and the people gathered there and I'm left alone with Daniel.
The first two minutes of the song pass by well until Daniel leaves to go outside. I'm left alone now and I don't know what to do so I stand up to scan the crowd. Everybody is going crazy as the guys are playing the chorus of the song for the second time and then pause. Now all of them are swaying right and left and my eyes search for the boys into the people on stage. I suddenly feel all the blood leaving my face when I spot Jared hugging Natalie by the shoulder and singing, his face turned to her. After a minute the blood that left my face returns and I feel the tears form now. I just stand there looking at everywhere and nowhere at the same time until the song comes to an end and pulls me from my thoughts once again.
The people on stage start clapping and I pull my phone out of my bag to check the clock. 2011 is coming in 20 minutes. I shove my phone in my bag again and before anybody returns to the side of the stage, I run to the nearest toilet. When I reach the door of the WC, I push it open and get in.

I lean over the sink and look at the mirror. The music outside stopped completely and the only thing I can hear is the buzz of all the people. I can feel my cheeks burn and my vision is blurry. Tears start to run down my face and this time I let them go on. I don't bother to rub my eyes so I can hide them, nobody's around anyway. My knees go weak and I fall down, crawling to the wall and resting with my back there. I keep crying and I try to muffle my sobs with my hand. All I can feel right now is my jealousy over Jared, over everything. I don't feel like this because I hate him. It's the first time I'm in love with somebody and know that I can't have him. This thing and only makes me feel so frustrated. If my whole business relationship with Jared started different, everything would be different right now. But you never can get what you want, right?

Suddenly the door swings open and I turn my head to look who is there. My eyes grow big like plates, Jared is at the other side of the small room, his hand already on his fly. When he averts his gaze from his pants, his eyes are searching around and then he spots me, sitting helpless on the floor. All I do is to lean down again, hiding my face so he can't see me crying, not that he didn't already. I shut my eyes tight and try to calm down, but it's useless. I can hear the rustling of clothes and a second later footsteps are coming closer to me. Jared leans down next to me, doing nothing, just staying there and probably looking at me. I wipe away my tears with the back of my hand and take a deep breath before I speak.

"I don't know if you saw it, but it's the women's restroom here."

My voice sounds hoarse and it's trembling, my head still hanging between my shoulders.

"I know, I just needed to-" I can see Jared kneeling next to me. "nevermind." he says and then a hand touches my shoulder, rubbing softly.

"Are you alright?" comes from his mouth and all I have to do is to shake my head negatively.

"Do I look like I'm alright?"

I turn up my head now looking in his eyes, not caring if he finds out anything or thinks that I'm stupid. More tears roll down my face and I furiously try to wipe them. Jared looks at me in worry, his mouth closed tight in a straight line. We stare at each other for a minute without saying anything. This silence is killing me. I drop my head again and start crying, this time sobbing a little. Jared's hand lifts my head again and he looks me in the eye, his own eyes full of worry.

"I don't know what happened and maybe it's not my business, but if you want to talk just say it, I'm here."

With his words I grab his shirt in my fists and start crying harder. He cradles my head and hugs me, one of his hands rubbing my back as he's trying to calm me down.

"Cry, let it all out, I'll be there."

I keep crying for I don't know how long. It's probably around five minutes, but it seems like a whole century to me. The way he treats me right now really relaxes me. Now I think, should I really let it out and tell him everything or should I keep crying and keep it to myself? I finally choose to do the second, but minutes later my sobs stop and I don't cry anymore.

Jared pulls me back and when I open my eyes they land on his shirt, a black stain has formed there, a pink-red one a bit lower. I crack a little smile for a second and look at him this time.

"I think I ruined your shirt..." and I point to the stains.

He just laughs softly and shrugs.

"It was already ruined, no worries. How are you feeling?"

"I'm better."

He stands up and reaches for some toilet paper, then he hands it to me.

"Clean yourself, stand up and let's go outside, the new year is close."

"Alright."

I take the paper he gives me and he helps me stand up on my feet. I look at the mirror and bring the paper closer to my face, trying to fix my make up. Not that it's possible right now, but I try to do my best. I can feel his eyes on me and that's when I feel the inner weight I have getting heavier. I look to my right through the mirror and I see Jared leaning against the wall, hands crossed, his eyes looking into mine in the mirror. I turn my attention to my ruined make up, trying to remain as calm as I can. When I'm finished I throw the toilet paper in the rubbish bin and turn to Jared. He still looks at me in worry.

"You sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine, really." a half smile forms my lips.

Jared smiles back to me and goes to the door. I expected to be out of this place in a second, but Jared stills, holding the door handle. He pushes it down again and pulls the door, but still nothing, the door remains closed. He tries again and again but the door is still closed. He turns to me and looks me in the eye, my eyes searching his own.

"I don't know what happened, but the door doesn't open."

"Did you lock when you entered?"

"No, there's no key."

I go to the door and try to open it again, but still nothing happens. I turn to him again, his expresion matching mine. We're both in worry right now. I sight and walk to rest against the wall. I cross my arms over my chest and I watch as Jared leans over the sink. In a second he's up again, hitting the door and yelling for help. He does that for a minute but we get no response. I wonder where the hell are they all?

"I don't want to overthink, but is there any chance that they left?"

"No way, they can't leave without us."

"Then why nobody helps in here? There were lots of people here, where did they go?"

He shrugs and hits the door again, screaming one more time. Probably nobody heard him. He hits his fist against the door one last time and then leans against it, turning to face me. We look at each other in silence until he opens his mouth to speak.

"Let's take it as a kind of adventure. We're gonna change the year in here."

I could laugh at him right now, but I'm not. I just look at him. We're locked in a room that can barely fit four people. Alone. Plus, I'm claustrophobic. I don't know what makes me nervous right now. The fact that I have claustrophobia or the fact that I'm locked somewhere with him? I sight once again and lean further against the wall.

"I guess there are a few minutes left."

Jared just shrugs and starts pacing around. The silence makes me more nervous and I decide that it's time to break it.

"Jay?"

"Yeah?" he turns to me with a questioning look on his face.

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"What you did. I thought you were going to think that I'm a crazy, stupid girl who cries with no reason."

"I still believe that. But only the 'no-reason' part. You didn't tell me something."

Silence.

"I mean, I don't find you neither crazy or stupid. And you don't have to explain me if you don't want to. And you're a woman.

I can see it in front of me." his eyes roam over my body.

I feel my cheeks turning red as I blush but I don't care right now.

"Whatever. Thank you. Again."

"Nevermind. Whatever you want, I'm here. Keep it in mind."

I move from my position and walk towards him. When I'm in front of him I stop, looking in his eyes for permission before I open my arms and hug him. I can feel us swing right and left until my own back touches the door. We pull back from the hug at the same time, smiling at each other.

Suddenly I hear voices shouting. 'Ten, nine, eight-'

"It's a countdown!" I turn to say to Jared. He just nods and stares at the door. '-four, three-'

"At least somebody is here" I say again.

"Yeah, thank god."

'-two, one-' my eyes lock with Jared's and we both stare at eachother.

'HAPPY NEW YEAR' I can hear the people outside saying out loud, laughs and noise filling the whole place. We still stare at each other and we smile, finally some happiness in this room. Jared comes closer to me and I can feel my knees going weak. He touches my arm lightly and I gaze in his eyes.

"Happy New Year, Emma." he says in a low voice, a bit louder than a whisper.

"Happy New Year, Jared." I say and I think I will loose my breath.

He leans closer, just an inch between our faces. He still looks in my eyes, his blue ones making my heart skip a beat.
I feel like this silence lasts for years but it's just a couple of seconds until he leans closer and closes the distance between us. When his lips touch mine my eyes slip closed and I'm lost then. They're so soft and sweet that I think I will faint just from this little kiss. It lasted only a minute, even if I thought a whole century passed.
He pulls back and I just stay there, eyes closed, my lips slightly parted. When I open my eyes, I find him just a hair away from me, his eyes searching mine. He suddenly steps back and cold air hits my body.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

He starts talking but I take a step closer to him and put my finger in front of his lips. I lock eyes with him.

"Shh... Just shut up and do it again."

He complies and a minute later his lips are on mine again. They just touch mine at first but then I slightly part my lips and he starts kissing me for real now. Everything is slow and sweet, his right hand travelling to my waist, his left one holding my face. I put one hand on his shoulder and the other on his face as he keeps kissing me. I have to pinch myself to see if this is real. But I'm convinced when his tongue caresses my bottom lip lightly, as if asking for permission to enter my mouth. I part my lips more and his tongue takes possession, caressing my own. I catch my self sighting when this happens and I feel a small smile forming Jared's lips. We keep kissing until we're both out of breath and we have to pull back. Then, we just stare at each other, a smile in our faces, still holding one another. We stand there in silence for some minutes until Jared speaks.

"Well, that was good."

"Indeed."

"You're a nice kisser, girl!"

His eyes lit up and I smile wider, blushing once again.

"You're not bad for yourself." I turn back and giggle.

Jared frowns at my statement and then raises a brow.

"Do you mean something?" he says and grins. I start laughing harder.

"Of course not."

"It seems like you did. You mean that I don't kiss well?"

"No."

"Do you?"

"NO!" I say as he starts tickling me lightly. He tries to pull me close to him but I push him back as much as I can.

"Okay! Stop it now."

"No, I think I have to show you so you remember."

And his lips are on mine again, moving in rythm this time. His tongue is fighting with mine but I let him win and hug him closer.
A knock on the door interrupts us and we pull back, staring at eachother in shock. I take my hands from his body and try to speak, still shocked.

"Clean your face quickly, you're all smudged with my lipstick." I say as fast and low as I can and Jared nods, grabbing some toilet paper and cleaning his face. I turn to the door and start yelling for help, hitting my fists. Suddenly the door swings open, making me step behind and almost fall but thank god Jared is there and helps me keep my balance. I look at the doorway to see a worried Emma and a worried Tim looking to us. We just stay there and look at them like we saw zombies. Tim is the one to start speaking.

"What are you doing here?"

I stare at him and try to speak but all I do is to run out the toilet to get some fresh air. Tim catches me and holds me still, looking in my eyes.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Just... I need some air."

He reaches out and hugs me but I remain still, looking at Jared behind Tim's shoulder. I can see a bit of envy in his eyes but I'm not sure. Emma asks Jared what happened and he starts explaining everything to her. I pull back from Tim's hug and complete Jared in some details. After we've said what we said there's an awkward silence. I clear my throat.

"I think we should go."

"Yeah, we need to head back to the hotel." Jared says and starts to leave.

Emma grabs his arm, making him get back in and pushes him to the sink. She points at the stains in Jared's shirt, visible though the white fabric, and I feel all blood leaving my face.

"What's that?"

Jared looks at me and I stare back in worry, waiting for his answer.

"Erm... We had an accident. I'll explain to you later."

I leave a sight and turn to Tim. He holds out my bag, which he probably found before. I take it and then take his hand in mine, holding it and smiling up to him. Tim leans to whisper to my ear.

"What about the thing we talked about before? Do you feel alright?"

"I'm kinda tired to tell the truth. Can we just go and lay to bed?"

"Whatever you want."

He leans down then and pecks my lips. My eyes stay glued on Jared who is talking with Emma right now. Tim pulls my hand and I take step after step, leaving the building and everything that happened tonight behind me. I still can't get out of my mind those minutes with Jared in the toilet. My only hope is that 2011 is going to be nice because I can't suppose if it started good or bad.

Chapter 8: Happy New Year

(Part 1)

I don't know why I listened to him and decided to wear what he told. Tomo may be right, but the only thing I know for now is that my feet are killing me and I'm kind of sweating. But I can't do anything about it because Vicki was the one to push me to wear make up. And if I rubbed my hand over my face, it would all be smudged all over my face. I really feel like a slut or what right now, but in the other hand I feel more like a woman. Not that my outfit is ideal for a concert, but I'm side stage so who can see me?

I walk through the hallway backstage, my bag in hand, and start searching for Emma. She told me that I can find her at the side of the stage, but didn't tell me which side. As I keep walking, I stumble suddenly on Tim and I'm ready to fall back, thanks to my shoes, but he holds me and steadies me again. He then looks me up and down and whistles.

"Wow, so sexy."

"Shut up..." I say and punch him playfully on the arm.

He leans to kiss me but I stop him, holding my hand in front of his mouth. I open my mouth to speak but I see Jared behind his back at the door of the dressing room and I feel like I can't form any words. He turns to our side and I lock eyes with him. I can see that he half smiles to me but I remain cold like a statue and just look at him. After a minute he turns to the other side and leaves, my eyes now traveling to the man in front of me. I move my eyes to Tim's face and he looks at me in worry, my hand still on his mouth. I open my mouth to speak again, but this time my voice comes out normally.

"I don't want you to have pink lips during the show. Can we leave this for later?" and I crook a little smile at his direction.

He smiles back to me and nods.

"At least, can I give you a kiss somewhere else?"

"Depends." I say and raise a brow.

He leans again and his lips land on my cheek. His kiss is soft and after a minute he pulls back.

"Well, that was long."

We both giggle at my comment and I pat him on the arm.

"Will I see you later?"

"Is there any chance for me to go somewhere else anyway?"

"Right... At least the show will be finished before midnight."

I smile to him again and give him a little hug.

"I have to go, I'm in search for Emma. I just hope I'll find her soon because my fucking feet are killing me."

"Hah! Good luck then."

I turn away from him and leave for the side of the stage. There I find Emma sitting in one of the chairs and typing something on her laptop. I take a chair close to me and put it next to hers, sitting down. She turns to me and smiles, closing her laptop. After putting it on her back, she gazes at me and her smiles widens.

"You really are gorgeous tonight girl!"

"Thank Tomo for that, I didn't plan on dressing up like this."

We both laugh and then a smiling Tomo approach us.

"Just in time." Emma says and giggles.

Tomo reaches his hand out for me and I take it, standing up. He twirls me around two times and then smiles, turning to Emma.

"See what I made? Next time is gonna be you."

"Oh thanks but no, I'm never gonna look like her."

I turn to look at her and raise a brow.

"Is that supposed to be a compliment or no?"

She laughs and after her Tomo follows.

"Of course it's a compliment, dear."

I feel my cheeks burn as I blush and turn to look somewhere else than Emma and Tomo. Tomo laughs softly next to me and I have to look at him.

"What's so funny?"

"You! You always turn away when you blush."

"How do you know? It's not that bright in here."

"I didn't, you just told me."

Both Emma and Tomo start laughing and I pout, slapping his arm.

"Bastard. Now go get ready, the show starts in fifteen minutes."

He waves to both of us and leaves. I sit down again only to have my hand poked by somebody. I turn to my left and see Shannon looking at me like all the others did tonight.

"Am I that weird in this shit? I'm going to change."

I'm ready to stand up and leave but Shannon pushes me back down on the chair and kneels next to me.

"You look gorgeous baby girl." he says and leans to kiss my cheek.

My lips form a little smile and I thank him. I cross my legs and my arms at the same time and look at him again.

"You know that the GT owners are by your side this time, don't you?"

"Yes. And I feel nervous."

"Nervous about what? Because you're gonna have a fan club by your side, screaming for you?"

"Nah... I just wonder if they'll crush on me. Once some girls run to Tomo mid-show."

"Yeah, I remember. Don't worry, that's why security exists."

"Speaking of running, are you coming on stage for K&Q?"

I rub my hand over my hair and frown.

"In this?" and I point up and down my body "No way."

"And why not?"

"Shan, can you just stop pushing me? I don't want to, I'm shy and you know it. And I have no place in there, my place is

here."

"But Emma came once on stage."

"It doesn't matter. I will not change my opinion."

"Ok then."

He stands up and turns to leave but I can see that his face has dropped. I call out his name and turns to me. I stand up and hug him briefly, patting his back.

"I didn't mean to say it like this."

"It's ok. I just hoped a little."

I smile to him and pull back from the hug.

"Now go out there and fuck their brains!"

"Sure will!"

Shannon leaves for the stage and I sit back down, now waiting for the show to start.

Chapter 7: New Year's Eve

It's been a month since that night, the night I admitted my feelings to somebody. You usually say that kind of things first to your mum, or your sister, or your best friend. Since my mum and my sister were away, my only choise was my best friend; Shannon.

I cried and sobbed but he just held me and tried to calm me down. I don't know why I reacted like this, but I wanted to get rid of this weight. He took me to my hotel room and we talked. I expected to listen some kind of shit, but what he said was unexpected. He just said that being in love is an amazing feeling and he also said that Jared is a good choise. He said that he's not gonna say the best things for him because he's his brother, but he tried to make me feel better. The thing is that he made me feel embarassed, having a conversation like this was really awkward. And then, I just fell asleep while crying.

The next days I tried to avoid Jared. That was easy, since I had nothing to do with him. But life on a tour bus is very 'closing' and I always stumbled in him. The only words we exchanged was a 'hi' or 'good morning' and 'goodnight'. I was fine with this, but every day I felt more frustrated because my love for him was increasing. Thank god I had work on the tour and my mind was distracted.

And as days go by, Christmas came very soon. My Christmas break lasted only four days, which I spent with my family. It was tiring to travel from NYC to UK and back, but I wanted to be with my family.
In the 26th of December was Jared's birthday. I didn't call him or something, I just Skyped with Shannon and told him to give him my wishes. But when I was ready to disconnect, Jared popped up in the screen to wish me Merry Christmas and that was the time we had a proper talk after a month or so. After that call, I started to cry without reason and fell asleep.

One thing I can't understand is why did they fix concerts for the last days of the year. There is a concert even for New Year's Eve. And I have to be there. Not that I mind at all, but it was weird, my first changing of the year away from my home and my family.

~~~

I get out of the bathroom of my hotel room, the view out of the window a little bit darker than earlier because of the clouds in the sky, the lights of Las Vegas starting to dance. I wrap my towel tighter around my body and walk to the window to admire the view. When I walk past the bed, I turn to look at the sleeping body there. Poor Tim, sometimes I really feel like taking advantage of him because I want to forget about the whole Jared-thing. But he gives me what I want and I do the same. It's not something emotional. Even if we tried, we always ended up in bed with no feelings between us. The sex was enough.

I'm so lost in my thoughts that I gasp when a hand wraps me by the waist and turns me around. Tim is looking at me with a smile on his face, making me smile too. I look him up and down and notice that he's still naked.

"You're naked, you'll freeze."

"Look who's talking, you're all wet with just a towel wrapped around you."

I chuckle and punch him playfully on the arm just to be pulled to him and kissed on the lips. When he releases me I go to the other and of the room, grabbing his clothes and throwing them to him.

"Dress up, you have soundcheck in half an hour."

"What the fuck? Did I sleep that much?"

"No. You just fucked that much."

I hear a laugh behind my back and turn to look at him with his underwear dangling from my finger.

"At least it was good."

"Indeed. But now go take a shower and then go straight to the venue."

"As you wish boss!"

I throw him his underwear and walk to my suitcase to pick up my outfit and my underwear. We both dress up in silence and when Tim is finished he comes and hugs me from behind, whispering in my ear.

"Will we celebrate the New Year after the show tonight?"

I smile at his words.

"Depends. If I get rid of my work early, we will probably do something about that."

He turns me around and kisses me, then he leaves the room smiling at me. When the door is closed behind him, I fall on the bed, my palms hiding my face. Who am I kidding? I know he wants something more but tries to keep it back. I also want something more, but not with him. Tim is just my friend, I never even imagined my self having a relationship like this with him. It's just complicated. Very complicated.

A knock on the door makes me jolt and I stand up from the bed, walking to the door. When I open the door, a cheery Shannon enters the room, holding a fake crown in his hands. I close the door and turn to look at him, his smile growing bigger when I keep looking at the crown.

"What's that?"

"Something for the princess. You deserve it."

He comes closer to me and puts the crown on my head, then steps back and smiles again.

"Now you're ready."

I start laughing with him.

"You came here all happy and woo because of this?" pointing at the crown in my head.

"I love Tim, but my stupid little brother really has to do something tonight with you, it's a good chance."

"Shannon, I-"

"You have a chance of kissing him in the change of the year! If you get on stage for 'Kings & Queens' and be close to him-"

"NO WAY! I can't do this."

He comes closer and pulls me in a hug.

"Baby girl, don't be always negative. You may stand lucky."

"Really? With these Porcelain-naked-twins and that Natalie girl around him? Don't tell me I say shit, I know they're joining the show tonight."

"Who gives a fuck about them?"

"Jared probably! Especially for Natalie, I'm 100% sure he fucked her already."

"Now you really say shit."

"Shan-"

"She may be beautiful and sexy and stuff but I'm sure Jay did nothing with her. I know my brother."

"But he was with her in his room once. ALONE!"

"How do you know?"

"I saw him at his door holding a whip. And I sent her there some minutes before."

"He may wanted to show it to her, just to know what was waiting for her."

I look him in the eye and raise a brow.

"These things can be tried only if your naked. But anyway, I'm not gonna talk about Jared all day."

"That's it! And about tonight, if it makes you feel better, the gig is going to be finished before the new year comes. And nobody is allowed backstage after the show."

I pull away from his arms and walk to the bed to grab my bag. Then, I turn to look at him and force a little smile.

"Not that I feel a lot better now, but ok, thanks for the information. Now move your ass, we have to go."

We are ready to leave the room when I remember the crown on my head. I reach to take it of, but Shannon grabs my hand and tells me to keep it on, as I do. Who cares? Everybody is in a crazy mood these days. We then leave the room without more words and go downstairs to leave for the venue.
All the way there I can't stop the thoughts I have about everything. Shannon's words still echo in my mind 'you have a chance of kissing him in the change of the year'. I know that there's no chance for me, but I also have a little hope. Only god knows what is to happen.

~~~

It's already 6 p.m. and I have to get ready for tonight's show. Then, I'm still sitting on the bed of the hotel room and look outside the window, the dark sky illuminated by the city lights. I don't even know what to wear, even if I already know that I have to 'shine', as Shannon mentioned. A knock on the door interrupts my thoughts again and I go to answer the door. I open the door to find a smiling Tomo looking at me, backpack with him. I let him enter the room and when the door is closed I turn to look at him, his smile now a straight line. He drops his backpack down and walks to me.

"You're gonna join the gig in this?" and he points up and down my body.

"Probably. I have nothing- HEY! Where are you going?" I ask when Tomo brusts to my suitcase and starts to throw out every piece of cloth I have inside. I just stand there and look at him in shock, trying to understand what he's doing. After a minute he stands up, holding my black mini dress and my black high heels. My eyes grow wide when I see them.

"You're kidding, aren't you?"

"Nope! You have to shine! It's NYE for god's sake! Try to look like a star!"

"Do I have to? I'm not going to a concert in this! It's too much."

"Look, everybody's going to wear something 'nice' today because it's a celebration, so why not?"

I feel my cheeks flush when I'm ready to answer.

"I... I feel like a slut in this dress."

Tomo drops the dress and my heels on the bed and comes closer to me.

"Then be. Only for one night. And if you feel like that, why you carry this dress with you?"

"I like it."

"Then show it. I bet you look gorgeous in this dress. Just do it, don't feel embarrased. It's only for a couple of hours, you're not the first to wear something like this."

I smile at his words and wrap my arms around him, hugging him briefly.

"Don't tell these things to Vicki, she's gonna kill you." I say and poke my tounge.

He laughs at my comment and pulls back.

"I'm not that stupid. Now get your ass and dress up, you have to look like a star."

I smile to him as he walks to the door and then leaves. Now I'm alone, with my dress and my heels. I have an hour to get ready and leave. I grab the dress in my hands and look at it. I hesitate for a minute, but then I put it down and start to put my other clothes in my suitcase.

"Why not?"

Chapter 6: Is this real?

Part 2



I wake up suddenly, my whole body saturated with sweat. The picture of Jared touching himself played all night in my head. I just can't understand why it was me making him horny. We're not very close or something, we just work together.
I stand up and get out of my bunk, stretching my arms. I walk towards the front of the bus to find Emma and Vicki sitting on the couch chatting. I wave at them both and walk to the fridge to grab the juice bottle. When I turn around, Emma stands up and gathers her things.

"I think I have to go, to much work. I'll see you later girls."

She leaves and I take her seat next to Vicki. Thank god she's here for some days and I have somebody to talk to. I open the bottle and take a big drag of juice. I sigh and vicki turns to look at me.

"Something bothers you, right?"

"Nah... It's from the sleep."

"I know you well enough to see when you're tired or not. Just spill it already."

My face flushes red as I try to master the courage to tell her what's going on.

"Last night I kinda... Caught Jared... Masturbating."

Her eyes grow big, my embarrassment growing more and more. I look down at my lap and sigh again.

"Ok. How was the show?"

"It's not time for joking."

"Well, how did this happen?"

"I just went to the back lounge to see if anybody was awake and I found him... You know in which phase."

"Eww! Just tell me he wore his clothes."

"OF COURSE HE DID! But still, it was disgusting to see him jerking himself off."

She takes the bottle of juice from my hands and puts on the table next to the couch. She turns at me and looks me in the eye.

"If it was that disgusting, why did you see the whole process?"

My face takes a crimson shade, making me look at my hands on my lap.

"Well, I heard him calling my name. He kinda... Was dreaming of me giving him a blowjob."

"WHAT?"

I put my hand in front of her mouth to prevent her from screaming even higher.

"Shut up! He doesn't know I was there! And nobody should know, so keep your mouth shut."

"But... How? You and him--"

"Yeah, me and him have nothing to do with each other. And it was a big shock for me too."

She lays on her back, touching her forehead and sighing.

"This probably means you're not the only one with a crush on him. What if--"

"No way! He hates me. He just can't have a crush on me."

"Ok, ok. But keep it in mind, you may not be the only one in love."

"Who is in love girls?"

We both turn to look at Jared standing next to the little kitchen. I feel all the blood leaving my face and hide my face in my hands.

"What's going on with her?"

"She just woke up, she needs time to adjust."

I lift my head to look at Vicki, a smirk plastered on her face. I then turn to look at Jared, seeing a smile form his lips.

"Ok. So, goodmorning Emma."

"G'morning."

I stand from the couch and walk towards my bunk so I can dress up and leave. When I reach my bunk, I turn to look back and see Jared looking at me, still smiling. This sight right now is the worst thing that could happen to me. I grab the first clothes I find in front of me and run to the bathroom, getting in and locking myself.

~~~

"Come on! Take your ass and come with me."

Shannon is on his knees in front of me, doing puppy eyes to make him the favor. It's been half an hour since he came here, trying to convince me to go with him to the set for Hurricane. Being the last time shooting was very exciting for him and he just wanted to go, as everybody did. The thing is that this last scenes involve Jared and Natalie and the only person who wanted to stay back to the hotel was me. It isn't because I saw Jared in... Personal moments, I just can't stand seeing him with another woman. Especially in moments concluding sex.

"I said no, for gods sake!"

"Please!"

He pouts and this makes me feel sorry for him without reason. Great, he convinced me once again.

"Ok, I'll come. But if I want, I will leave."

Shannon stands up and lifts me, spinning me around.

"Put me down, you shit."

"Hey, watch your language girl."

He puts me down and grabs my hand, dragging me with him.
When we arrive at the studio the scenes are gonna be shout, Shannon keeps dragging me with him. I look around to see the place. Every furniture is put aside, mirrors all around the room and a dark shade carpet in the middle. The dimly lit place makes it difficult for me to see where is who. The only things I see are cameras and many people moving around. A voice interrupts everyone and the place falls into silence.

"Ok, lets do it. It's just a scene and I hope it's gonna be done in less than an hour."

Jared bossing around once again. He walks to one of the crew members and then turns on the stereo, music filling the room. A minute later, Natalie emerges in the scene, making me feel disgust and only. When she takes her robe of, standing there with only her lingerie and high heels, I feel like throwing up at the exact moment. I drop to one of the chairs, my eyes not leaving what's going on. I turn to look at Shannon and he looks at Natalie, as the rest of the people does. I slightly punch his leg and he turns to look at me.

"Do you have any idea if Tim is here?"

"No. I think he went to take care of something, he'll come back later at the hotel."

I drop lower on my seat as everything is getting ready for the shouting. I close my eyes and pray to god to not let me do anything crazy. When I open my eyes a minute later, Natalie is lying on the floor, Jared on his knees between her legs, stroking them. I feel my cheeks turn red and anger fools me.
As everything is going on smoothly I try to keep my composure not to stand up and break everything. It's the first time I feel so jealous. And this time I'm sure that I'm jealous of Jared. Seeing him with another women, even acting to have some kind of sex with her, makes me green by envy. All this time I look numbly at them moving around on the floor, doing the same scene again and again. When I come back to reality, I look around to see everyone watching them with interest. Now she's lying on the floor again and Jared is above her, ready to kiss her. As he gets closer and closer to her face, I feel myself getting sick, and it isn't because of my fever. He gets closer and closer and suddenly their lips crush together, moving smoothly against each other.

I stand from my seat and hurry to the bathroom, not caring if I drop some things down on my way. Everything stops and I hear Jared calling my name. When I reach the bathroom, I close the door behind me and drop on my knees in front of the toilet. My vomit fills the toilet as I try to calm down, hot tears running down my cheeks. I hear the click of the door and seconds later Shannon is next to me, holding a towel to clean me and cradling my head.

"It's ok, shh..."

I keep crying and I start sobbing in his arms. He holds me closer and kisses my forehead, flushing the toilet at the same time. When he pulls back, he lifts my head and looks me in the eyes. My vision is distorted but I can see the worry in his eyes.

"What happened Emma? Are you ok?"

I wipe my tears with the backs of my hands and look at him, realising that what I'm going to tell him is something I've never admitted to myself.

"Shannon..."

"Yes..?"

"I... I'm... I'm in love."

His eyes grow big and his lips form a little smile.

"With Tim?"

I shake my head negatively and drop my eyes down on my lap.

"No. I'm in love... I'm in love with Jared."

Chapter 6: Is this real?

Part 1

"Mummy
I know that we have to talk for a long time now, but there's too much work and I don't--"

"CUUUUUT!"

I lift my head to see Jared standing from his seat, the frown he has for days now still plastered on his face. He walks towards these twins. The Porcelain Twins. Standing in the middle of an empty road, completely naked.

"I can't afford this shit anymore."

"Me neither."

Shannon appears next to me, dropping on his knees. He takes a cigarrete out of the packet and lits it up, taking a good drag. I sigh and drop lower on my seat, clutching tightly my mobile, my text message to my mum remaining unfinished.

"C'mon, let's do this one more time. We have to finish these scenes TODAY, for fuck's sake."

Jared says again. He is so dominating that it gets in my nerves. I turn to look at Shannon, adjusting the scarf around my neck.

"Is he always like this?"

"Trust me, that's only a little taste of his 'directing' side."

"Oh god..."

I start to shake from the cold, feeling my nose red as an apple. Shannon puts his hand on my forehead and then his lips.

"You're sick baby girl. You must get inside the bus."

I hold my forehead and feel the strong warmth that proves I have a fever.

"I wish I could, but if I get inside your brother will kill me."

"Don't worry, I'll take care of it. Go rest."

I stand up from my seat and just as I put my feet on the ground I feel slightly disorientated. Thank god Shannon is here to hold me on my feet. I turn to smile at him and then grab my things, ready to go.

"If he comes shouting at me, remember that it's gonna be your fault."

"Ok, now go and rest or else I'll keep you here with your high fever."

I walk towards the buss and just as I'm ready to enter, Natalie storms in front of me. She passes me without saying a single word. I turn to look at her as she walks towards the set.

"Bitch."

I mutter and keep walking towards the back of the bus.
It's been a long time since Jared decided to do his 'sex-scenes' for Hurricane with Natalie. But for an unexplainable reason, she was a pease of shit for my, so bitchy yet so beautiful. I'm jealous of her, I can admit that, but I don't know who I'm more jealous of. Natalie or Jared for being with her?

I drop my things on the floor and unlock my phone, dropping at the couch at the same time. I go to the unfinished text to my mum.

"--have that much time to even call you. I miss you so much. I hope you, Dean and Sarah are doing fine. And because Thanksgiving is close, please, don't think about dad's loss again. I want you to have a good time this year. I love you. Emma xx"

I hit 'send' and then throw my phone next to me on the couch, resting my head back on the pillows. I close my eyes and sigh, tired from the work and the fever. As I feel myself drifting to sleep, a warm hand strokes my cheek, making me open my eyes. A pair of bright eyes is looking at me and it makes me smile.

"C'mon, have a seat."

Tim drops next to me and hugs me close to him, kissing my forehead. He stills then, making me frown and turn to look at him.

"What?"

"You're burning."

"I know. Thanks to Jared and his sick ideas of shooting at night with this cold outside..."

He lifts my head and kisses my lightly on the lips. When he pulls back I frown again.

"What was that for?"

"To make you feel better."

A smile forms my lips and I lift myself, kissing him as well.

"You know that's out of the terms, right?"

"Yeah, but I had to. I couldn't hold back."

I smile once again and drop my head, snuggling in his embrace.
Being in a friends-with-benefits kind of relationship with Tim was something that suits me well. But lately there's something more than the sex by his side. This thing actually terrifies me, but there's still the hope that things are gonna stay as they are now.

~~~

I wake up at the sound of the bus engine. My head feels better than before. The painkiller did a good job this time. I stand up and get out of my bunk, stretching my arms above my head. I scan the bus, but everything is pitch black. I turn my head towards the back lounge, a small stripe of light showing underneath the door. I walk towards the door and tap my hand three times. There's no answer. What if somebody is in there and in trouble? I open the door to see Jared lying on the couch, his earbuds in his ears and his hand under his his pants, moving up and down. My eyes grow wide in the sight of him touching himself. He didn't even hear me open the door. I slightly close the door but keep my eyes on him. What the hell am I doing?

Watching live porn? Not actually, but still.

"Aaaah..."

I feel like throwing up and turn to leave, but his voice interrupts my action.

"Emma..."

I turn to look inside, my face red as a tomato. He still has his eyes closed, moving without control on the couch, panting. I keep looking at his face, so precious yet so disgusting.

"Oh! You're killing me!" That mouth of yours..."

I start thinking about him saying my name while jerking himself off. No, it's not me who he's dreaming about. There's another Emma here, too.

"Oh... Br-- Brunny!"

And that's when my eyes get the shape of plates. He's imaging me giving him a blowjob. I don't know if I should be happy or not with what I heard. A long groan interrupts my thoughts again, Jared climaxing and panting fast. When he relaxes, I close the door as fast as I can and run to my bunk, getting in and covering myself with my blankets. I turn from the other side and pretend to sleep, the door of the back lounge opening and closing, footsteps getting closer to my bunk. He passes from my bunk without stopping. A sigh of relief escapes my lips and I open my eyes again.

What do I live? Jared was jerking himself off while thinking of me. This thing is just crazy. I've admitted to myself that I have a crush on Jared, but now it was him thinking of me. Or I was fascinating? Having a fever can cause you many daydreams. But this one wasn't a daydream, I'm sure about that.


To be continued...

Yeah.

No chapter yet. I've been busy the whole weekend. I can't promise something, but I hope I'm gonna be able to finish chapter 6 till next Sunday.